Sunday, 27 December 2009
Saturday, 19 December 2009
Thursday, 10 December 2009
I feel like i should be more upset than I am.
Obviously i'm hugely disappointed in myself and i know it's gonna be crazy hard to get a job at the minute.
I just can't find it in myself to be upset about it, because i hope it's gonna be the thing that gets me out of this house.
The only thing i'm really upset about is that it's disappointing my parents. AND that my sisters, who are nowhere near as clever as i am!
GRRR!
x
Sunday, 6 December 2009
I'm really loving my music at the minute. Top things just now are:
- Mumford and sons
- The Xx
- Ellie Goulding
- Biffy Clyro
- And the new Rihanna song which is really awesome and a bit bond themey
:)
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
You desired my attention but denied my affections
I'm angry and sad.
I don't know what to do with myself.
It's fucking freezing and I don't want to go to school.
Maybe i should tell them what's going on? At the minute I'm pretty sure they just think I'm going mad or I'm depressed or something.
Maybe I am.
Who knows?
Sure as hell not me.
My mums gone away for 2 days and I'm really fucked off.
Not at her, at myself for being incapable of telling her what's going on in my head. What no one seems to understand is that i honestly don't know most of the time.
All I want is a good Mummy hug. Is that too much to ask for?
Monday, 30 November 2009
I don't think anyone knows what's happening with me atm. I don't really myself. But here are the basics.
-I'm failing at school, but not just because i'm a lazy tard, because of all the shit that's happening at home that no one really knows about.
- My mum kicked me out. Although she claims i chose to leave.
- I'm staying with my dad but it's just confusing me. He's all nice and understanding when he's sober. But the thing is whenever he comes in from the pub (which is like 4 times a week) he just goes crazy. I honestly can't take it anymore. Tonight he smacked me, like not proper hard but he's NEVER done that before. And the other day he threw a massive bottle of coins at me. Its getting to the point where i'm actually scared of him, that's not right.
- My mum is being all cryptic and being like 'it's complicated' about whether or not i can come home. If she doesn't want me there i wish she'd just say. But i haven't told her anything about my dad.
- I'm seriously tempted to drop out of school, get a job and move into my own place.
- My friendships are suffering because im not talking about it, at least i think thats the problem, it might just be me. I dont really know.
Fuck. What do i do now?
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
I'm so tired of this middle ground and i just wish we could make our minds up. Stop dancing around what the real issue is. And i'm pretty sure it isnt me.
So actually, i've come to the conclusion im not being irrational at all. Its your fucking fault. So sort it out before you talk to me again. Maybe i should tell you this though.
But tbh i know im not brave enough.
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
I just read something that completely changed the way i look at my life.
I have no reason to whine or bitch or moan about anything. Especially not at the moment.
I'm going to have an epicly amazing next five days. I have a second chance to do well at school, i have amazing friends and my parents love me, despite me being a complete bitch to them all the time. I will stop complaining right now. Promise.
xx
Monday, 24 August 2009
All i need is some kind of gravity
I can't sleep even though i'm ridiculously tired. I hate it when that happens.
So to cheer myself up i shall write a nice long rambley blog post which you probably won't appreciate at all (y)
I've had a nice relaxing week after coming back from india. It's odd, i have no urge to talk about the trip, other than to say i miss it lots and lots. But it's all about the looking forward now :)
Reading festival this week, which i have been excited about for months and months and months and years. My highlights will be: MO, Little Boots, Flo and the Mach, Placebo, The blackout (with emily) , Brand New (with Ella woohoo), 3OH!3 ( with my stepsister emma), Yeah yeah yeahs and Lady sovereign ((of course) with sophie XD) Yeah so it shall be a bit wonderful and i fully intend to do as much crazy shit as possible.
Aaaaafter reading fest school starts again. And for me it literally starts again, because i'm an epic failure who should be getting As but instead got a C, 2 Ds and a U because she didnt work even nearly hard enough. But nevermind, Do-over :D
I shall leave this post on some nice pictures and things:
Monday, 10 August 2009
Sunday, 12 July 2009
The sound, What a cheap trick, What a habit.
Friday, 3 July 2009
I hold an image of the ashtray girl, by the cigarette burns on my chest.
It annoys me because that was the whole point of it in the first place, and now its just all pointless and cryptic and only i understand what the hell im talking about.
Tis silly.
So i shall just say the 5 overwhelming feelings i have right now are:
- Anger at myself for being such a lazy fucktard.
- Doubt about whether i did the right thing with alex :/ Though it comes in waves and i'm faaairly sure i did.
- Excitement about MO and reading and 3OH!3
- Shit scaredness about my exam results and India
- Impatience about being 18...
See i was planning on ^ that being all heartfelt and shit. But its just another annoying list.
I dont like not being able to communicate well..
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
But i don't. So instead i shall post a poem.
Which i apologise for ....
Gentle whispers to the wrong ears
Because the right don't want
To Hear it
To Hear
You mean little to them
Though they say you're the world
Insult or compliment
Who can really tell?
x
Friday, 19 June 2009
Oh love won't you come and take me, away from here
Also, I'm not really going to go into speicifics, but i have lots of irritatingly deep things buzzing around me head that i dont really know how to begin talking about. Which is really annoying because for once i actually do want to talk about them. I just feel VERY incapable of doing so without creating lots of horrid awkwardness. I want to avoid the shitty times that will occur if i say them out loud. BUT....
Its all very gay.
I'm gonna go write some very scary, emotional poetry that no one will ever read (y) Maybe that will help, but i doubt it. Shit.
Monday, 15 June 2009
:(
But yeah, i could really do with some love cos i might actually cry soon.
Love you guys x
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Particularly special msn conversation :/
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Monday, 1 June 2009
We're all laughing, we're all faking, just to see you smile.
In 56 and a half hours, my life will officially be stress free (for all of 4 days :/) and i cannot wait. During those 4 wonderful days i am going to:
- Download ridiculous and excessive amounts of new music
- Watch the entrie first season of prison break (at least) and the second season of pushing daisies
- SLEEP
- Lay in the sunshine and read an entire book.
- Not get up before 11
- Generally be (more of) a lazy person
Until then, time for actually revising i think, though whether it turns out that way remains to be seen. So, time to start.
Friday, 29 May 2009
I think i like simple days the best. Ones where nothing dramatic at all happens, its just happiness the whole time.
I LOVE YOU
It's weird.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Send Me Back, I'll Share The Trap You Have Me In.
I'm quite lonesome. I was quite looking forward to having the house to myself for a whole week, but i think i forget that i dont actually like being alone. At all. Maybe that's why i cant sleep this time, i dont know. But it isnt nice not having anyone about, thats the conclusion im coming to.
Though doing your own food shopping is a fun experience :) First time only i imagine.
I just did a weird taking pictures of the sun rising thing. But then, i suppose i did say i had to be more creative. I bet my neighbours are pissed off though cos it was like half 4 in the morning and i was outside in the garden singing laura marling and taking pictures, but nevermind.
So i think i'd describe my current mood as pensive :/ But actually i just google defined it and it said 'brooding or seriously thoughtful', so maybe its not quite as heavy as that.
Anyhoo, i found this illustrator called caitlin shearer and i think she's a bit awesome, don't know if you guys will agree with me...
Its entirely possible that it's just me being weird :)
And go listen to Sheets by Damien Jurado
Monday, 25 May 2009
My life, my lover, my lady is the sea-eeeeeeee
- Brandy (cover) - The Red Hot Chili Peppers
- This Picture - Placebo
- Set Phasers to Stun - Taking Back Sunday
- Granite - Pendulum
- Teeth the size of piano keys - Chiodos
- Theyre NOT horses, theyre unicorns - Bayside
- Where Have you Been?- Manchester Orchestra
- Living la vida loca - Ricky Martin LOL
- Zombie - The Cranberries
- The Call - Regina Spektor
- Charmer - Kings of Leon
- The Bad Touch - Bloodhound gang
- Mirrors - Envy on The Coast
- Daughter of the sun - Matthew Santos
- Jasey Rae - All Time Low
- This City Is Contagious - The Cab
- The Deaf Girls Song - Cloud Cult
- Business Time - Flight of the conchords (although sugar lumps has to come close to overtaking :))
- Calm a llama down - The mighty boosh
- Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
- Suggestion - Fugazi
- Set Free - Katie Gray
- Knocked Up - Kings of Leon
- Roulette Dares (This is the Haunt) - The Mars Volta
- Dead End - Master Shortie
- Luv Addict - Family Force 5
- Monster - Meg and Dia
- Hell to Sell - The Audition
- Am i Ever Gonna Find Out - Lifehouse
- Colly Strings - Manchester Orchestra
- I Was a Cage - Right Away, Great Captain!
- Feeling Good - Muse
- Three Wishes - The Pierces
- Creator - Santogold
- Who Am I - Will Young (and i'm not sorry :))
- I didnt say i was powerful, I said i was a wizard - Chiodos
- Courtship Dating - Crystal Castles
- UFO - Sneaky Sound System
- Floods - Fightstar
- Gnomzxx - I Haunt Wizards
- Natural Woman - Aretha Franklin
- Starstrukk - 3OH!3
- The Rat - Dead Confederate
- Prescilla - Bat For Lashes
- Blankets - Devil and The Lion
- Saturday Night - Bon Jovi :/
- Yellow - Cold Play
- Megan (smoking popes cover) - Bayside
- I wanna Dance With Somebody - Whitney Houston (winner (y))
- Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park
My blog, i shall post what i please :) Sorry for boring you by being centimental.
Saturday, 23 May 2009
room aspirations
And me, I ran, I couldn't even look at him, For fear I'd have to say goodbye
This means that i get a house to myself for a whoooole week (Girls gathering round mine i feel?) and a not quite so shitty computer for all my interweb related needs.
The only things i need to be happy now is moneys because i just opened my purse and i literally have £1.71p to my name. Not to mention just becoming £1595 in debt to my father for the india payment he just paid.
Also to be more creative. Cos at the minute im a bit of a failure and its boring.
Oh, and sleep.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Iz gon fail physics nod.
At all.
As i suspected i wouldn't.
I did use this usual sleeping time for good revision business. However, it just made me realise how little i know and that there is no way i'll be improving on that D. But nevermind.
I am hoping to avoid sleeping in my exam, again, by drinking muchos coffee although im not sure it will work.
I just realised i've done about 4 hours of revision and i have 6 hours of exams today.
That can't be good.
However, after today i have 10 days off exams :) which is a bit lovely. So i'll cling to that fact when i close the exam knowing i only definitely got 2 marks (y) winner.
Sorry :/ I'm in that weird sleepy-hyper mood
wish me luck :) i'll neeeeeeed it.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Now for the proper today post :)
Today I am an exceedingly happy child considering the ridiculous amount of physics revision i have to do tomorrow. This is due to 4 main things :)
- In theory, i may never have to do another geography exam ever again ever =D
- Ella being a very awesome summer music supplier and giving me all the summery things listed on HER latest post whoot.
- Me finding my own awesome summer music which is a bit freaking incredible :)
- Ella and I returning to our normal late night rambley selves after a slight blockage of the ramble flow.
(Thanks to some random guy called allan in Oaklands blog that i found) Go listen to the following musics:
- Brilliant Red Lights - Declaration of Purpose
- Margot and the nuclear so and so's - children's crusade on acid
- Pretty much anything by Tera Melos (its instrumental but quite awesome and LOUD)
LAMPS!
Sunday, 17 May 2009
But in my defense, I really hate this girl, and he knows it. I dont really know what to do now though because he's mad at me for over reacting, which i completely understand and he isn't even going to prom anymore cos he couldnt get a ticket. So i have no idea how to make it right again because its not like i can say, 'okay go then, don't worry about me', because he cant go. It makes me feel horrible.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Me and my brother hiking, me and my brother might find a turtle. Just have some fun.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Throw your judgements across the breeze, watch them float off and never be saved.
More than just the weather too. I wish it was summer two years ago when i had nothing to worry about at all. But at the same time that doesn't really work i guess, cos i want to still have you guys to spend it with. Just some simplicity would be nice.
Things i want most right now:
- Sunnnnn, and a fully even sun tan :)
- To not have to go back to school when exams are finished
- To be in India enjoying it, rather than worrying about it.
- A cheese and ham panini like i had at starbucks yesterday
- To wish Laura a happy birthday!! =D
- These shoes...
Monday, 11 May 2009
I wrote a poem :) Its really quite terrible, but i had an urge, so....
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
You sit back. covered up those sound that don't come from my lips
Monday, 4 May 2009
Start with the things that define you.
There are a few main things you should know:
- I don't generally talk about myself, even to the people i would hope talk to me about themselves.
- I love the stories people tell through music, movies and books. More than the ones i make with my own life a lot of the time.
- I will try to always be very honest on this blog, though i will find that hard.
In all honesty, i don't know what kind of detail to go into or anything.
So for now, i'll just say, i like life just now. I love the friends i have and that i don't mind losing the ones im growing apart from. I like the fact i can talk to my sisters. I love the fact that i know my own mind and that few other people do. I do NOT like exams, but they will be out of the way soon. I love the fact that i'm finally looking forward to going to India. But mostly i love that i'm finally talking about myself (if a little confusingly, sorry :/)
But yeah, those are my current thoughts :)